Friday Joke

[kubajs]

Stejně ta česká verze s akvárkem byla lepší, ale jinak good

Ta anglická verze je to samé v bleděmodrém (jen akvárko už asi dneska vyšlo z módy, tak ho vyměnili za sekačku ). Ale Zdýna Izer to dokázal podat opravdu velmi dobře, možná proto je ta česká lepší .

[click]

Ok, obcas se to stane, ja zase vubec nevedel o nejake ceske verzi takze jako nahradu davam dalsi ... doufam ze neni ceska verze

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

[kryglik]

Q: How many professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.


Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.


Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.


Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.


Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Both of them.


Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?


Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?


Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.


Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.


Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Amish don't have lightbulbs. They bake pies.


Gypsies?
None, but you lose a lot of lightbulb


Harvard students?
One: He holds the bulb, and the universe spins around him.



Members of the USS Enterprise?
Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in engineering has burned out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new lightbulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red- shirt security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Mean- while, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native King who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the lightbulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues with its five-year mission.

[click]

Husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price,
the more
sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item,
pays the
$500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and
keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin.

[click]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

[click]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was

standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a

dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet

again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the

hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an

intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's

in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat

one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally

complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now

enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition

because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road

licking my dick and a car hit me.

[click]

Daddy's Phone Call:


'Hello?'

'Hi honey.

This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says , 'But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy,right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'


A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?'

[Jiří Nývlt]

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?'

Tak todle je mazec...

[kubajs]

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?'

Tak todle je mazec...

No jo, i to se stava ). Verim tomu, ze to vychazi z reality

[kryglik]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."






A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."









Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib?"

[click]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,



"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice

[click]

Ed returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has given
him only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ed asks his wife for
sex. She agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey,
please just one more time before I die?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And
they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ed, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4
more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more
hours. Do you think we could.....?'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen, Ed, I have to get up in
the morning. You don't.

[click]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[click]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down t he street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of
your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down
the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

[click]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'