A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand Does either of you have a real grudge? -
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white .
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Friday Joke
Time flies when you're having fun 
....it's Friday again.
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow…….but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..........
....it's Friday again.DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow…….but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..........
An Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."
The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.What about you Sherman, how
would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you
use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted...
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.What about you Sherman, how
would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you
use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted...
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Jiří Nývlt
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Stejnak už to máš UPDKV. Tvé energické sportovní výkony (hod pytlem, u něhož by sis sichr hnul zády) byly postrádány.click píše:To jsem zrovna odfrknul z hotovosti do Manchesteru..celodenni vylet. A jinak uz konci sezona tak zpatky k normaluNa DDD jste nebyli.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies,
"It's Keith. The midget."
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies,
"It's Keith. The midget."
click píše:Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies,
"It's Keith. The midget."
, poprskal jsem si monitor 
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.
'You rotten bitch, she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.
'You rotten bitch, she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
An old Greek man lived alone in Marrickville. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advances years as the
ground was very hard.
His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Spiro,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Spiro
At 4 a.m. the next morning, Federal agents and NSW Police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.
Dear Papa,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. that's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Spiro
tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advances years as the
ground was very hard.
His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Spiro,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Spiro
At 4 a.m. the next morning, Federal agents and NSW Police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.
Dear Papa,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. that's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Spiro
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso , Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. 'Once my people were few,' he sneers,'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'...
One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. 'Once my people were few,' he sneers,'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'...
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