An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Friday Joke
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of
things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was
standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
Whistling and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
The man said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch.'
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of
things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was
standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
Whistling and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
The man said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch.'
Rath and Gross in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek,
and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is
92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
'Cleanup, Register 5'
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
'Cleanup, Register 5'
Hi Everyone
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner
Peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around
my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage
of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res
of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner
Peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around
my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage
of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res
of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
A couple celebrates 50th anniversary. Wife was asked how come they still are so happy and have they had any arguments at all. Yes, only once I remember, wife says. We were riding a horse cart home from wedding when a horse suddenly stumbled. Husband said one. After a mile or two, horse stumbled again. Husband said two, took a rifle and shot the horse. I started to scream and yelled, why he had to shoot such a nice horse. Husband said one.
A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
Re: Friday Joke
A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags. The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.
The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"
The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said - 'donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls."
The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:
"Well... it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"
The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel..."
The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"
The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said - 'donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls."
The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:
"Well... it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"
The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel..."
Re: Friday Joke
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Re: Friday Joke
Do you know that when a man sees a woman in a leather dress and knee length leather boots, his eyes tend to pop out, his heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, his plams sweat, he gets weak in the knees and he begins to fantasize?
Ever wondered why?
It's because she smells like a brand new golf bag!
Ever wondered why?
It's because she smells like a brand new golf bag!
Re: Friday Joke
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded,"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go and get her."
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded,"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go and get her."
Re: Friday Joke
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket
and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on
any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running
for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!'
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket
and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on
any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running
for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!'
Re: Friday Joke
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,
And the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
Having a great time, when one of them realized she
Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
Decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
And whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,
And the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
Having a great time, when one of them realized she
Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
Decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
And whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
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