Friday Joke

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Doufam ze se stane pravidelnou veci na forum a na zacatek bych dal malinkaty dictionary


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS



40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH



1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH





1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay



And finally.....



A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.



For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.



However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[click]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's
teacher.'

[kubajs]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman...

That's simply really cool joke . It's been good idea to have such a section.

Attaching just one a little bit silly joke:

The well read dog:
A woman went to the cinema with her dog and on the way out she was stopped by a man. He said to her " I'm sorry to bother you but I noticed that your dog watched the film all the way through, crying at the right times, hiding during the scary bits and laughing during the funny bits. Don't you find that a bit odd?"
"Well yes" said the woman "That is odd. He hated the book."

[click]

A guy is visiting a pub in Liverpool, he walks up to the bar and orders three pints of Stella.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the guy, "You know, a pint goes flat after I've pulled It, It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The guy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America , the other is in Australia.

When we all went our separate ways years ago, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The guy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way, He'd order three pints and drink them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two pints.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The guy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Jehovah's Witnesses and I had to quit drinking."



"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Martina2]

Happy New Year everybooooooody

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Wow almost forgot it's Friday sooooooo here goes....

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a
nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"
the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."


A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

and finally

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'd like a beer and a mop please"

Happy New Year Everybody!

[click]

One for the teachers

A group of kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You should use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend "I went to visit my
Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Michael what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words"
She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book, miss," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" said the teacher, thinking she was finally getting there.
"What book did you read?"
Alex thought hard about it, then puffed out his chest with pride and said,


"Winnie the SHIT."

[kryglik]

"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"






Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.






Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde






It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to
think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault.
If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be.
I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. *No one* ever thinks
of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the
bad things.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)





A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."

[click]

Here's a good mother in law joke


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve
Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in
the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because
she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the
taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs
upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t' t want the driver to
know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I
hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the
back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

[Dádule]

Tak ten se ti teda clicku povedl

[Martina2]

Dave Allen - Telling the time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS5P6GcUC4s

I love him

[Dádule]

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed.

Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"


The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".

[kryglik]

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.



A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin)




Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.



Salary Theorem
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.



As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.



Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.

[click]

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Phil and Bob, are sitting at their favorite

Bar, drinking beer.

Phil turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life

Without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college,

And sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Phil goes down to the college and meets the Dean (Roy) of

Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,

History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Phil says. "What's that?"

The Dean (Roy) says, "I'll show you.

Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you

Own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the Dean (Roy) says. "Because you have a yard, I think

Logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

Family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

Have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be

Heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of

That because I have a lawn mower!"

Excited to take the class now, Phil shakes the Dean's (Roy) hand and leaves to

Go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,

History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Phil says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[Karlos]

Stejně ta česká verze s akvárkem byla lepší, ale jinak good