Friday Joke

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God said to Adam, "Adam I want you to do
something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" !


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*


*


*


*


*





*


"What's a headache?"

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Women's Ass Size Study


There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:



1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.



2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.


3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

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Wendy, Tammy & Mary die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ' We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Wendy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, Tammy accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Wendy.

Mary has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy & smiling Mary says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

Richard says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

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One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says


'Wow, that is one ugly baby.'


The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her,


'What's wrong? You look mad.'


She replied,


'I am. That bus driver just insulted me.'


'You shouldn't take that from him,' the man replied.


'He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him.'


'You're right sir, I think I will report him.'


The elderly man says,


'You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you.'

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Trochu ve skluzu...better late than never


The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would
be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty,and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

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After a long night of making love,
The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
He nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
She replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
He continues.
'No, not at all,'
She says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
She answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
He demands.

‘She’ whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

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Morning smile....

Isn't there always two sides to a story?

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible
that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather S&M style bodice, stiletto's and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....


The engaged girlfriend:
'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
'Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything....but we had wild sex all night.

The married one:
The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes home from work, opens the door and says: 'Hey Batman! What's for dinner?'

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BBQ rules


After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:



Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.



Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL!

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out ! to te ll the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN!

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:

1 0) Everyone PRAISE S the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts!

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !' and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I
was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale sign in his back
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought
that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man
with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is..'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !' Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to
call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole '

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over
to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I
got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'


Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'


'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'


'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.


After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'


'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.

I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,

and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

At that point Mrs Smith fainted

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These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

1. Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants
grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on Bristish Columbia where
the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.





The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration, and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. He's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."





The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."



The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday a 30,000 square foot mansion."



The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons....What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him and he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."